Going into the restaurant and bar business

By Seymour Cumming

I'm rather busy at the mo, got a little 'bidness' venture going. See, my mate Heinrich's come out from Germany and decided he wants to stay, so he's decided to open a bar/restaurant, with his bar girlfriend in charge. Now there's a unique idea, hardly any competition here in Chiang Mai, so we're going to open one together? Heinrich has been elected as the spokesman:

"Ja, zis is true, vee vill be opening the restaurant of music and food and bier in Chiang Mai, ja. Everyone is velcome except tourists."

Erm... don't you mean terrorists Heinrich?

"Ja, zat is correct, no terrorists Seymour. Anyway, the original plan was to open a branch of Hooters, but vee could not find waitresses who were, well? ja, you know, big enough!"

Hoo boy, heck Heinrich that's a fantastic idea, why didn't I think of that one, we can have a nationwide interview and audition roadshow, I'll be judge and...

"Shut up Seymour, I am the spokesman, ja?"

"Vee have already decided upon the name of this venture. It vill be called the 'where you cum flom' restaurant and 'buy me drink' bar. Everyone vill be velcome, but on Sunday afternoon vee vill be serving the traditional German einsbein, fleish salat and bratwurst and there vill be a happy hour every evening for all the German motorcyclists who are visiting Chiang Mai. But everyone is welcome, and there vill be the bundesliga on the TV and even vee plan to have weiss bier on tap, ja. And you can bring your Thai friends, we welcome everyone, except 'tourorists'."

Hell yeah, just to make it really authentic lets get your girlfriend to make the menus, some of those custom-made works of art with more mistakes on it than a Chiang Mai tourist magazine, and we'll even include things on it that we don't even intend cooking, just so people can get that pukka 'sorry ka, that one no have tonight' experience. What do you think Heinrich, eh?

"Ja, vell, let me zink about that one Seymour, now as I was saying..."

"Zis restaurant vill conform to the ISO 2001 standards, wiz special provision for the physically challenged and correct fire safety precautions and exits, and vee vill not be entering into bribery or paying of zis key money... vat are you laughing at Seymour, this is a serious announcement."

"Now, where vas I, ja, zis restaurant vill be opening every night at exactly eighteen hundred hours and the staff vill be carefully selected for the highest quality of service and understanding of efficient method, with no prejudice to appearance..."

Yeah right! Bugger that we'll hire a bevy of long-legged sexy waitresses and get them some of those 'whiskey outfits'. About 10 will do, even though the place only has 8 tables, heck we'll pay them a pittance and promise them big tips...

"Shut up Seymour, I vil take care of the ladies, ja?"

...besides, Heinreich, I figured it don't matter if they have no experience, as long as they look good and keep the whiskey glasses full. If the food comes half an hour late and the dirty dishes sit around on the table, that'll just make the whole thing authentic. We'll train them how to bring the rice first and leave it to get cold on the table before the rest of the food is finally ready. Besides, we're gonna make the customers wait so long for the bill that their bloody credit cards would've expired in the meantime.

"Nein, let's be serious now Seymour. Vee have forgotten the music, zis I zink vill be provided by a class 1 Bang and Olufson Z1 series soft valve amplifier, sub-woofer enhanced technology Dolby surround, five-vay 200 watt speaker system at..."

Are bugger than Heinrich, this is Thailand, any old crooner on his guitar in the corner with distorted cheap karaoke machine will do, let him get all slushy with a steady selection of the Eagles and the Carpenters and those Aussie pooftahs, Air Supply, and all the mushy love songs to match the fairy lights and cheap furniture. Populate the place with bar girls hanging out onto the street yelling 'Hello you welcome', Hire a nice in-yer-face kratoey as mamasan, overprice the beer, serve up cheap amoebic dysentery-infested food to pull in all those scruffy backpackers and we're on to a winner. Heck we can even hang out there ourselves some nights, that way we can dip our hands in the till like everyone else!

Investigative-journalist-at-large, Seymour Cumming has previously been a used car salesman, fruit picker, 'shock jock' and newsroom war correspondent. He has written for Farmer's Weekly, Nyet!, Chessworld and Cross-stitching Magazine.

He's been to more than 50 countries, some for less than a day, and is currently working on a travel novel, but he's written the author's biog, and not progressed much beyond that. His controversial commentary on ex-pat life in Thailand appears in Chiang Mai City Life Magazine.