A Thai Monopoly

By Seymour Cumming

Man I've had another brilliant idea! Hoo boy this a real winner, see, it's a board game I've thought up, kind of like Monopoly excepting it's gonna be called 'Farang Fleecing©'. And, listen this, the objective won't be to accumulate wealth but lose it. Hot damn, it will sell like hot chilli cakes!

Firstly, the players will have a series of objectives to complete, such as buying a condo, getting married, finding a roadworthy motorbike, getting their computer properly serviced and securing a long-stay visa.

It will be a bit like Monopoly where you go around and round a board until you're dizzy with red tape fever and the quicker you can let go off your hard earned retirement money the more chance you have of winning. Heck, I reckon there will be some real champions out there, I for one have plenty of experience at this run around.

Of course the board will be full of hazards to help empty your wallet. There will be a Loi Kroh street and a Night bazaar street. Other streets can be Rachdamnoen, Ratvithi and Neminhemin (which will be the most expensive of course). Every time you land on one you'll be obliged to 'buy me drink' or pay an unnecessary fee.

The four old city gates will also be for sale, kind of like the four rail stations in Monopoly, except you'll never really own them, and you'll need to pick up a piece of property called 'Thai wife' before you can secure a long-term lease on these relics.

Of course you'll be able to buy other property and then invest in shophouses from which to run karaoke bars, internet cafés and coffee shops. Once you've accumulated four of these, you'll be entitled to erect a short-time hotel. Anyone landing on them will have to 'pay through the nose' and if you sell them on, you can fleece the new owner for key money.

Heck I can see some people getting damn wealthy, the ones with local knowledge and connections. Just like Monopoly, you'll pick up cards, excepting instead of 'chance' and 'community chest' these will be called 'bar fines' and 'bribes', the amount depending on how lucky you are!

Occasionally you'll land on a square called 'stress out', there will be four of these named: bad driving, poor customer services, smog and noise. When you land on one you'll have to go straight to the meditation temple, you'll not be allowed to pass go, nor will you pick up your $200 monthly pension.

One of the biggest challenges will be securing a 'long stay' visa (kind of like the waterworks or electricity board) and until you do so you're at the mercy of landing on squares called 'visa runs' which force you to go back two turns.

Man, even the playing pieces will be customised, you can choose to be the tuk tuk, songteaw, long-tail boat, samlor, motorbike taxi and even an elephant!

Crikey, why didn't I think of this sooner, it's foolproof, even the selling price can be outrageously expensive, I'll use low grade cardboard that falls apart after month, get some cheap dice from China that wear out quicker than you can shake them, and fill the board with spelling mistakes. Mind you, I hope we sell lots right away because it won't be long before someone's copied the idea and begun selling fakes!

Investigative-journalist-at-large, Seymour Cumming has previously been a used car salesman, fruit picker, 'shock jock' and newsroom war correspondent. He has written for Farmer's Weekly, Nyet!, Chessworld and Cross-stitching Magazine.

He's been to more than 50 countries, some for less than a day, and is currently working on a travel novel, but he's written the author's biog, and not progressed much beyond that. His controversial commentary on ex-pat life in Thailand appears in Chiang Mai City Life Magazine.