Massage parlours escapades

By Seymour Cumming

Hoo boy, last weekend me and the dudes went looking for a massage. Their names are Chuck and Jeb, they're from Texas, Jeb, he knows all the best places. Chuck, he's just arrived in Thailand, horny as a barn rat he is. Our man Chuck's a real animal, a big ol' redneck with a bushy beard, sh*t-kicker boots and an IQ lower than his golf handicap.

Anyways, so we started out with a few beers at this one guesthouse, seeing as Jeb kinda has his eye on the gal who works there. Chuck's real impatient, keeps asking were's all the girls at, and all sorts of dumb questions like how much it costs and what you get. Man he's keen, drooling at the bleeding mouth he was. Crickey Chuck, get a hold of yourself I says. Heck, stop looking like a tourist, it's a dead giveaway.

Then he spots a gal eating in the corner. That's it, he just goes right over to her, sits down 'n says, "Oh howdy, pleased to make your acquaintance ma'am, name's Chuck, I'm from Te-axas."

She just smiles. Then, there's this awkward pause and all, and I just make out Chuck say in a whisper "So, how much?"

She has a puzzled look on her face, and she says, "How much? You want know how much?"

I guess from her accent she's Japanese and she's pointing to the plate in front of her as she speaks. And then he says, "Yeah!" gittin all excited.

And then she says "Oh, you can eat for flee, it come with room."

"You're kidding me!" he replies, "In that case, when can I check in! Reckon I'll stay for a week." Ah man, Jeb and I, well, we just fell off our chairs laughing.

Well, after that, we head into town to a place just off Tapae Gate with a whole bevy of young girls sitting outside yelling "Hello you welcome!" So in we go, but the place turns out to be a regular kind of place and I'm lying on this mattress next to some old Swedish bugger who's going 'ooh' and 'aah' the whole time, and then in walks Chuck, he strips off everything, looks around at all the others in the room and yells, "OK do me baby!" Heck man, we were asked to leave that place.

So we decided to cut to the chase, found this place called the Wancome Hotel on Nimminhemin road which sounded kind of exciting but nuttin happened there either so Chuck says he'd heard about a place called the Fukum Hotel, so we follow him, place turns out to be the Phucome Hotel! But anyways, turns out they have one of them body massage places, so in we go.

Chuck, he's real keen, acting like he bin out on an oil rig forever, starts drippling at the mouth again. "Hoo boy, how much for all of them," he jokes loudly. Meanwhile this irritating little dude is whispering in my ear, "You like Thai lady, you like number 33 eh, you want drink... for you special price, lady massage good good, 1600 baht." This is moments after telling a minibus full of Koreans that the ladies are 2000 baht. Man he just won't damn go away.

Anyways, Chuck immediately picks some waif of a gal and takes off with a boner showing through his jeans, man he's a predictable one. Well, me and Jeb, we just sits around waiting for some new flesh seeing as the Koreans have taken all the pretty ones.

After awhile, we's still sittin there like dumb asses staring at these gals who all look bored to death in their little fishbowl when all of sudden Hank comes charging down the grand old staircase fuming and yelling and gittin all irate. Man was he pissed, and get this, the dude was butt-friggin-nekid. For real, I ain't kidding ya, and his big swollen pecker's hanging at half-mast looking all red 'n ugly with a shrivelled pink condom hanging off the end, flappin this way an that.

"Girl no good," he's yelling in a rage, "wont kiss me, and now she doesn't want to blow me off."

"Hell, I want my money back..." he whines.

Ah man, Jeb and me, we was so embarrassed we just snuck out the door and took off.

So we head for another place Jeb knows, he says it's called Pandora's Box or sumfink like that, tucked away down some lane on the other side of the river. Hoo boy, we pull up outside and there's bikes and cars parked everywhere, place is friggin enormous, looking like some Greek-revival palace on the outside with tall columns and fairy lights 'n all, now we're talking.

Anyways, Jeb chooses this gal with big titties (which turn out to be not so big at all!) and me, I go for this gal, number 16, says her name's Ooo or Or or Ah or Om or sumfin, I can't remember. But we sit there talking for a while to these two gals and they're trying to remember our names, repeating them again and again but keep getting confused.

Well, I guess I'm kinda an average sized guy, if you know what I mean, but boy these Thai girlies know how to flatter. We get in the room and Ooo or Or or Ah or Om, or whatever he name is, keeps saying, "velly big" with a frightened look on her face. "Farang velly big," she says with trepidation as she soaps me down in this big old bathtub.

And then finally we get down to it and we're going hammer and tongues, or whatever, and she's yelling and screaming and looking so ecstatic she's almost crying, and the funny thing is she keeps moaning 'Jeb, Jeb, Jeb' which would sound kind of great if she'd stopped confusing me with Jeb there, until she goes completely bananas and starts calling me Mark as well. Jeb, Mark, Jeb, Mark, she's moaning and the more she does it the more excited I get and the harder I give it to her...

"Ooo-eee, jeb, jeb, jeb" she's yelling until I eventually squirt my load. Hot damn!

Man I was so exhausted after all that effort I figured she should've been paying me.

*Jeb = 'hurt' in Thai Maak/Mark = 'much' in Thai

Investigative-journalist-at-large, Seymour Cumming has previously been a used car salesman, fruit picker, 'shock jock' and newsroom war correspondent. He has written for Farmer's Weekly, Nyet!, Chessworld and Cross-stitching Magazine.

He's been to more than 50 countries, some for less than a day, and is currently working on a travel novel, but he's written the author's biog, and not progressed much beyond that. His controversial commentary on ex-pat life in Thailand appears in Chiang Mai City Life Magazine.